It's a non-working day today and oh...so nice to wake up a little late. It's as if, all of a sudden I finally finished a long week exhaustive journey. I don't understand why I feel this way lately. How I'd always long to be in bed a little longer, and how I'd wish time would stand still a moment and at least savor the comfort of my bed really longer and be free from the stress of daily life's grind. Is it because I've been so focused lately with work? I've never felt like this before. I've been so passionate about it, and had always given a hundred per cent if not more on every facet of it. I'd say my career made me the person I am today, a strong, dedicated person, still willing to give her all in the last two years of her career life. My staying power comes from the fact that I regarded my work as a mission.I will soon retire from work two years from now. Just to prove how committed I am I must admit I worked for just one institution in the past 30 years. Hard to believe it but I did. I regarded my place of work, my second home and my co-workers my second family .My feeling of relief come weekends though bother me lately. Does this affirm realities of physical exhaustion from someone who worked so hard the past thirty years or more of her life? Is it time to re-assess my priorities? I am a mother of two grown up kids, just widowed a year ago, started work as a plain classroom teacher at age 21 and now holds the top management position in a private Catholic institution for the past eight years. I am at this phase in life discerning on what still would I want to do with my life. I am torn between keeping up with my very tough responsibility as an administrator in my place of work or avail of an early retirement and venture to do something else which I am still capable of doing. Has aging caught up with me, the reason for the relief on long week-ends, summer breaks, semestral breaks and the coming retirement? Or is it a work fatigue any normal career person experiences along the way? Is it the sudden loss of the one who never got tired giving me inspiration to go on specially in stressful situations at work? My husband died a year ago and I am not privileged to enjoy old age with him when I'm finally free of my responsibilities. With my status in life what is it that I still want to do? Well for now I still have to catch up with my service at 5:45 am for work meaning I have to wake up at least 4:30 am everyday. A day of work means long line of concerns at your desk and if the 8 hours work is not enough I am constrained to work beyond my call of duty. Oh, I'd always loved doing this when my husband was still around at my beck and call anytime I wish to go home. This is my daily menu at work, too tough for an aging woman like me. This is why I long to stay in bed a little longer on week ends, this is why I can't wait for summer and sem breaks to come. If I choose to stay two more years in my job I sometimes wonder how I could still drag my feet to work in the same way I used to before. God only knows and I know He will allow because in spite of my physical limitations, the passion for work that is imbedded in my system. for years still remains. Do I know where I'm going to? I think God knows not I.
my life blog
5:36 PM
The true test of loving someone is when you are willing to set him free. Although it's the hardest thing to do, you have to if that is what will make him at peace and happy. I only had this realization after a year of clinging on to my husband's memories, convincing myself that he is just around watching over me, watching over my children. That he loves us that much and he can't afford to leave us that suddenly in the same manner that we can't just let him go and he knew that. He was up and about when we lost him a year ago. Without any anticipation, he suffered a massive stroke and died after 7 days of comatose. It was so sudden and we were not prepared. We were caught by surprise.We did not have a chance to say our goodbyes and it pained me. It pained me much more seeing my two children suffer from the sudden loss of their dear Dad who had always been with them in their daily grind with life. It pained me the most thinking he too was not ready to leave us and I felt it because before he dozed off to sleep forever, a tear fell down from his left eye.. He was our strength, our protector, our buddy, our driver, our provider and suddenly he was gone. Yes, just to give me a strength I asked God not to let him go yet. I also felt he was just around. I clang to that for a year until suddenly I realized I have to let him go. I realized it was not kind of me not to allow him to go where he has to, to be reunited finally with his creator. I love him that much so I have to set him free for him to be at peace with the Lord. I am slowly adjusting to life without him, and my children too with the help of our love ones and friends. I know moving on is such a long process, but I know we will be there. It's another life's journey ahead of us but I know God will journey with us. I'm setting my husband free because I know God is taking care of him for us in the same manner as HE is taking care of us for him. Life is slowly heading to its normal course but with a lot of adjustments. Lesson learned...DEATH is a reality.
9:23 PM
Attracted by blogs I read almost every time I surf the net, I decided, its time to try blogging myself. I can feel with bloggers that this is a healthy venue to express their thoughts, ideas, concerns, interests, issues, and sometimes feelings and issues on relationships and gain friends to talk to in the process. I just lost my husband a year ago and life had been different since then. Moving on is such a long process and hard. I am looking forward that this decision I made, to join the bandwagon of bloggers would somehow fill my idle moments which tend to bring me back to flashes of memories back and its quite making life miserable for me. I understand I can't bring back my lost husband and I have to find something to busy myself with after work. I hope I am making the right decision.So my friends and future friends, I hope you accompany me in my next journey, blogging.
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