Easter reflections

I could still vividly remember our Holy Week of  2009 when for the first time my husband willingly joined us ( my children and I) in  our "Bisita Iglesia" where we prayed the 14 stations of the cross in our visit to 9 churches within the vicinity of our residence in Quezon City. It was a very heartwarming experience because my husband could not hide his excitement and fascination over his first experience of this Catholic ritual as an expresion of ou faith in God. He patiently drove us to all the churches we visited and joined us in praying our way to the stations of the cross that day.

 I certainly understand his lack of understanding of his Catholic faith because he was only baptized as Catholic a day before our wedding at a Catholic Church twenty five years ago. Although he claimed then that he is a Buddhist I really believed he was not because he was not a practicing Buddhist. He never attended or did Buddhist rituals except a few Chinese religious rituals from time to time which for me were just some kind of Chinese tradition or practice which my children still follow today.

That first " Bisita Iglesia " experience with him for my children was really fun. They've been used to attending masses with their Dad but not joining processions, and this Lenten celebration rituals. He'd always brag to us his deep faith in God which is not measured according to him by the many times one hears mass or attends religious events. I remember how very often he'd always told his children that for as long as you do not do bad to others, that would suffice for God's test of your faith in Him. Do good to others had always been his life's motto and I guess he really lived his motto seriously considering the many people in need he helped and cared for.

That Holy Week experience so I thought could have been a start of a yearly family  bonding with God but sadly, it turned out to be the first and the last because that same year, a few moths after, my husband unexpectedly passed away to join our creator.

Looking back, I just wondered why all of a sudden he willingly succumbed to my invitation without my convincing effort which he'd always declined before. He  was very happy for having joined us that day and he even joked us that he was still very willing to drive us to visiting more churches if we like which the three of us said no in chorus. He blurted out though that he was referring to the next Holy Week,  

That event left an indellible mark in our hearts and for two years now we're back to our "Bisita Iglesia" without him. Doing the ritual without him still pains us but we believe that God gifted us that special year for the  four of us so that we will always have that event to cherish comes Holy Week. It was a beautiful gift we received from him and God. I guess his message is for us to keep our faith in God because that same faith brought him where he is now, in the loving arms of GOD his savior.

The reeent Holy Week brought the three  of us tracing back the churches we visited then but now more subdued, less pain, and full of hope that our strong faith in God, will move us to continue living a happy and more meaningful life ahead for the three of us without him.

We thank God for keeping us strong and hopeful. 

Will God forgive Angie?

A man of honor, he claims so, shot himself dead right at the love spot, the heart. Why will a Former Philippine AFP Chief of Staff, whose courage and bravery is beyond any doubt commit such well known cowardice act of suicide? It brings confusion to any ordinary mind set, a soldier must be brave.He directed his heart to  bravely face death. Is that courage? Only he knows. Yes, he was into a controversy over allegations of corruption in the organization he once led with vigor and dedication. Is it because he'd done great deeds but was not spared of the ailing media who loves hot issues no matter how gravely this would affect the most the dignity of any human alive?  Is he the innocent victim  caught in crossfire with freedom and democracy in action as mentioned in newspapers these days?

"Heartpal" or love pal that I am, I'd like to believe that "Angie" as many call him committed this dastardly act on his life not because he lost his mind, not because he ran out of courage, not because he wants to ran away from all the mess surrounding him, but because of one universal truth that is "LOVE"

Whether he was guilty or not he acted as he did because:
      he Loved his family tremendously and he wants to spare them from all the pains this controversy brings
      he Loved his enemies, his enemies who willed where he was into before his death, and preferred to suffer
      instead ( the whistle blowers and those higher than him who masterminded the corruption)
      he Loved and values integrity and dignity that he did not want to strip people he knew are culpable.
      he loved his mother, and like a child who needs a mother's love when in pain, he chose to follow her
      he loved peace, he left his war zone on Earth and chose to join his SAVIOR to strip him off from all his
      earthly pains and anxieties

For the religious who have other views regarding God's concept of his manner of death, we have but one common question in mind, will GOD forgive Angie?

God is aware that at times we reach some lowest points in our lives and our weakest sense surfaces automatically without liking it. The military man, is not spared of this.  I still believe that the sin of forgetting ones sense is a human weakness God breathed into our system so that we will have moments of discernment on how much He loves us.  I hope that  for as long as Angie asked God for forgiveness and was able to see how much GOD loves him before his last breath, God's forgiveness will always prevail. God understands us even in the lowest points in our lives.         Please post your comments.





 

Life's Crossroads

It's a non-working day today and oh...so nice to wake up a little late. It's as if, all of a sudden I finally finished a long week exhaustive journey. I don't understand why I feel this way lately. How I'd always long to be in bed a little longer, and how I'd wish time would stand still a moment and at least savor  the comfort of my bed really longer and be  free from the stress of daily life's grind. Is it because I've been so focused lately with work? I've never felt like this before.  I've been so passionate about it, and had always given a hundred per cent if not more on every facet of it. I'd say my career made me the person I am today, a strong, dedicated person, still willing to give her all in the last two years of her career life. My staying power comes from  the fact that I regarded my work as a mission.I will soon retire from work two years from now. Just to prove how committed I am I must admit I worked for just one institution in the past 30 years. Hard to believe it but I did. I regarded my place of work, my second home and my co-workers my second family .My feeling of relief come weekends though bother me lately. Does this affirm realities of physical exhaustion from someone who worked so hard the past thirty years or more of her life? Is it time to re-assess my priorities? I am a mother of two grown up kids, just widowed a year ago, started work as a plain classroom teacher at age 21 and now holds the top management position in a private Catholic  institution for the past eight years. I am at this phase in life discerning on what still would I want to do with my life. I am torn between keeping up with my very tough responsibility as an administrator in my place of work or avail of an early retirement and venture to do something else which I am still capable of doing.  Has aging caught up with me, the reason for the relief on long week-ends, summer breaks, semestral breaks and the coming retirement? Or is it a work fatigue any normal career person experiences along the way? Is it the sudden loss of the one who never got tired giving me inspiration to go on specially in stressful situations at work? My husband died a year ago and I am not privileged to enjoy old age with him when I'm finally free of my responsibilities. With my status in life what is it that I still want to do? Well for now I still have to catch up with my service at 5:45 am for work meaning I have to wake up at least 4:30 am everyday. A day of work means long line of concerns  at your desk and if the 8 hours work is not enough I am constrained to work beyond my call of duty. Oh, I'd always loved doing this when my husband was still around at my beck and call anytime I wish to go home. This is my daily menu at work, too tough for an aging woman like me. This is why I long to stay in bed a little longer on week ends, this is why I can't wait for summer and sem breaks to come. If I  choose to stay two more years in my job I  sometimes wonder how I could still drag my feet to work in the same way I used to before. God only knows and I know He will  allow because in spite of my physical limitations, the passion for work that is imbedded  in my system. for years still  remains. Do I know where I'm going to? I think God knows not I.             

If You Truly Love Someone Set Him Free

The true test of loving someone is when you are willing to set him free. Although it's the hardest thing to do, you have to if that is what will make him at peace and happy. I only had this realization after a year of clinging on to my husband's memories, convincing myself that he is just around watching over me, watching over my children. That he loves us that much and he can't afford to leave us that suddenly in the same manner that we can't just let him go and he knew that. He was up and about when we lost him a year ago. Without any anticipation, he suffered a massive stroke and died after 7 days of comatose. It was so sudden and we were not prepared. We were caught by surprise.We did not have a chance to say our goodbyes and it pained me. It pained me much more seeing my two children suffer from the sudden loss of their dear Dad who had always been with them in their daily grind with life. It pained me the most thinking he too was not ready to leave us and I felt it because before he dozed off to sleep forever, a tear fell down from his left eye.. He was our strength, our protector, our buddy, our driver, our provider and suddenly he was gone. Yes, just to give me a strength I asked God not to let him go yet. I also felt he was just around. I clang to that for a year until suddenly I realized I have to let him go. I realized it was not kind of me not to allow him to go where he has to, to be reunited finally with his creator. I love him that much so I have to set him free for him to be at peace with the Lord. I am slowly adjusting to life without him, and my children too with the help of our love ones and friends. I know moving on is such a long process, but I know we will be there. It's another life's journey ahead of us but I know God will journey with us. I'm setting my husband free because I know God is taking care of him for us in the same manner as HE is taking care of us for him. Life is slowly heading to its normal course but with a lot of adjustments. Lesson learned...DEATH is a reality.   

Neophyte blogger

Attracted by blogs I read almost every time I surf the net, I decided, its time to try blogging myself. I can feel with bloggers that this is a healthy venue to express their thoughts, ideas, concerns, interests, issues, and sometimes feelings and issues on relationships and gain friends to talk to in the process. I just lost my husband a year ago and life had been different since then. Moving on is such a long process and hard. I am looking forward that this decision I made, to join the bandwagon of bloggers would somehow fill my idle moments which tend to bring me back to flashes of memories back and its quite making life miserable for me. I understand I can't bring back my lost husband and I have to find something to busy myself with after work. I hope I am making the right decision.So my friends and future friends, I hope you accompany me in my next journey, blogging.